I owe my parents a sincere apology. I judged them, and I need to own that.
The Phone Call That Changed Everything
When I was twenty-seven , I was going through a breakup. My dad called to check in, and I told him what was happening. His response surprised me.
“Honestly, man, that’s what I went through with your mom.”
I didn’t expect that. He was trying to explain that he had gone through something similar. The hard times, the struggles I thought were uniquely mine.
What came out of that conversation was a profound amount of respect for my dad. I began to understand him differently: his suffering, what he had been going through all those years. This was actually kind of cool to experience, because it allowed me to relieve some burden within myself—specifically, how I judge myself.
Loving him helps me love myself. And that makes life more tolerable.
The Things I Said as a Young Man
I remember when I was young, I told my dad on a few occasions that I wanted to kill him. I blamed him for how hard life was. I thought him being around more would have made everything easier.
That’s not how it is. That’s not how it was. That’s not how it is.
I’m going through something similar in my life right now, too. And honestly, it’s my fault. I chose it and didn’t learn the lesson. So now I’m having to relearn it, or at least practice a different technique.
Understanding My Mom
My mom was different. I never really judged her the same way when I was young. But later, toward the end of her life and into the height of my own, I started to understand how her personal behaviors led to a lot of our challenges. There was some resentment there.
But as I was there with her, as she withered away towards death, that resentment withered away as well.
What I Tell Young People
When I talk to young people today, I usually tell them that the most important thing they can do is forgive their parents. Honor them. Love them. Especially if they didn’t do anything truly wrong, if they stayed in your life and supported you.
They’re humans too. This is their first time doing this.
Now I’m a Parent
This matters to me now because I’m a parent. I’m trying to instruct my boys, but I’m not trying to teach them in a way that hedges my bet.
“Hey, please don’t hate us. We’re doing our best, but we suck.”
It’s not like that.
It’s more like: “Hey, boys, we’re doing our best. We’re trying to figure this out.”
And it’s really hard to have big feelings and be a big person, because you’re not supposed to react in a big way. There’s pressure to behave and act accordingly—to be how one’s supposed to be.
This is what it is.
The Hard Things
Personally speaking, the hard things in life are related to missing my children, not having their support or love or affection in-person.
There’s also the pressure I put on myself to perform and do what I do.
And it’s the state of the world. Absolutely the state of the world; the division, the emotions, the injustice of it. All of it feels intense.
Getting Older
I’m getting older. My hair’s not growing back as fast. I’ve got a gray hair, too.
Why is life so difficult? How do we make it like this?
It’s as if we’re addicted to the drama.
I think I am, too. Not judging.
I’m saying that’s just like you. Me. It’s just like you.
How do we stop that, though?
Closing Out
I’m hungry. It’s cold outside. I’ve got the sniffles. Wish this camera was a little sharper.
